A Much Needed Rant

So much has happened lately, and I feel like no one truly understands where I'm coming from. I'm hoping this will clear up things or at least let people see where I'm coming from. I don't have a lot of friends where I live. Four or five -- no more than that, but I've made some awesome online friends, and they've always been able to cheer me up.

And now I think I've been pushed out of that group. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in, and no one honestly cares if I'm there or not. I could die tomorrow, and they wouldn't notice. That's how I feel at least.

It all stemmed from this fight I had with my father, I believe. My whole life, he's been so controlling and strict about what I can do and what I can't. To be honest, he's probably the reason why I only have four or five friends, and why I'm not as social as most people my age. But I'm an extremely independent person. I've been counting down the years until I could live alone since I was maybe...fourteen? I don't think I could be anymore prepared to live alone than I am now, whether you believe it or not. My family knows it.

So you can imagine when your father tells you that you do not get to decide what college you go to, that you have no choice but to stay in a town you hate and go to a community college that you HATE, full of people you don't particularly like, that you'd particularly upset. My father doesn't have to put any money into my education. Right now, to go to the school I want to go to, my ACT scores pay for my tuition, and I'm fairly positive I can get enough scholarships to cover the room and board. My best friend since Pre-K is going there, too. We'd be roommates in the BRAND NEW dorms.

And so even while I'm standing there, crying my eyes out, telling him I'm miserable in this stupid town full of these stupid people, he still says I can't go. That I still don't get to decide where to start my college education. It's not fair. True, life isn't fair, but isn't this just going a little too far? None of my four or five friends are staying in this town. They're leaving to go off to other colleges because their parents trust them.

I've never given my father any reason NOT to trust me. I don't go out ever, and when I do, it's to the local pizza place to eat lunch with some friends on the weekends. I don't go on dates, I don't go to parties, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs. If he could see just half the people in my school, then he'd realize that there's nothing to worry about with me.

And of course, he says he trusts me, it's just "everyone else" he doesn't trust. But if he doesn't trust anyone else, how is he ever going to let me leave? The only reason he still wants me here is so he can breathe down my neck some more, and I'm honestly sick of it. I'm sick of being treated like I'm twelve years old when I'm almost freaking eighteen years old. And that is how I'm treated. He has a password on the computer to limit my time, he tells me to go to bed at ten o'clock -- even on the weekends, yet he still expects me to run all his and mom's errands, pick my sister up from school every day, and make straight A's in all my AP and college classes I'm taking.

It doesn't add up. He's not making sense, and he's not trusting me to make decisions for myself. Most importantly, he's forcing me into something that has shoved me to the edge of falling into a very real depression. All anyone talks about is college. I'm on the verge of tears every day at school because they'll all be off having fun, while I'll be miserable. And yeah, maybe I'd end up miserable at the college I want to go to, but at least I tried it.

This fight -- the biggest of all our billions of them -- has hurt me more than anything else. So I tried to vent with my online friends, and I think all I ended up doing was pushing them away. So now who do I turn to? Yeah, my four or five friends feel bad for me, but they don't know what to say. They don't offer any words of encouragement or comfort. They partake in some momentary Dad-bashing and then they move on. It doesn't help me any.

And when it's some like college -- which is all anyone talks about during your senior year -- and a fight with your dad -- whom you see every day of your life -- that kind of pain just doesn't vanish. This isn't some tiny spat with my dad. This is the most serious fight we've ever had, because he's pushed me to my breaking point for the final time. I'm always seconds away from just screaming everything at him.

Because I can't go on living like this. I can't. And now I don't even have friends to turn to while I'm at home with him -- where it hurts the worst. I'm alone, and I'm falling into a depression alone. I've always been in and out of depressions for a long time, but this is the worst it's ever gotten. I feel like I have to force myself to be happy, I have to force myself to eat, I'm not sleeping, I just always feel...alone. It makes me wonder if I'm a horrible person for feeling like this, for being this upset.

Everyone seems to be on my side, to understand, but no one knows how to help. Or no one wants to help. It's so scary, and it's so frustrating. I just wish I could go back to this summer, when I felt like I still fit in, when I still thought I could choose my own college, when I was still happy. Because I'm sick of crying and I'm sick of hating myself for this. And I'm sick of other people hating me for this.

I hope you guys can understand now.