This blog's theme songs: Here We Go Again -- Demi Lovato, Wish You Were -- Kate Voegele
Hello again.
Today's rant, you might ask? My non-existant love life, and the idiot boy who made it that way.
Short backstory on said idiot boy (whom, henceforth, shall be known as Army Boy -- because he's in the Army. Duh): I met him my freshman year of high school (I'll be a senior next fall) in my Chemistry class. Ironic, no? We acknowledged our feelings for each other. Right when I thought something official was going to come about: Bam. He tells me "it's not working." So, we give it a little while and decide to start over. Official? No. He starts liking my ex-best friend. My tenth grade year comes up and at the end of the year we start talking again. He leaves for Basic Training and we write each other. He gets back...and apparently we never had anything going on. It was allllll in my imagination.
That brings us to this round. Round Four, to be precise. Something about him I'm just addicted to. We have some very intense chemistry, I do believe. And he knows how to say just the right thing to make you swoon. It was totally fitting my whole "make my life a movie" plotline. Again, we decide to try something. I met with some friends to eat two weeks ago, and my friend Cathy said that Army Boy had been texting one of my friends, Anna (who, for the record, clearly knew I was trying to have a relationship with Army Boy) saying that he wanted to hang out when he got back. I hadn't heard from him at all.
I was doubtful at first, not wanting to ruin my perfect plotline and all. It was going to work between us this time. It had to work this time. However, when text and asked, he plainly admitted to flirting with her. A lot of other things were said last Sunday and it upset me. A lot. I cried on and off the next few days, which really shocked me.
Like I said, I'm a firm believer in being strong. A boy doesn't want me? Fine. His loss. I'll forget him and move on very quickly. I'd never cried for more than five minutes over a boy. Ever. And I'd never pushed myself into a depression over a guy. I didn't like feeling like this.
He could only text once a week, so in the middle of his questions of "Why do you always come back to me?" he said the conversation would be continued next Sunday (yesterday). I gave myself a lot of reflection over that week. And I got very mad at myself. Why was I stupid enough to put myself back into this cycle over and over? The heartbreak only got worse each time. He always chose someone else over me. I was never good enough. So why would I believe that we'd actually make it through the next time? As some random country song sung by someone I don't know the name of says "Shoes don't stretch and men don't change."
So when I found out he was texting Anna and not me yesterday, I was instantly mad. He wanted another chance, he wanted to talk. Yet he didn't start anything. More things were said and I ended up driving around town for over an hour blaring my break-up playlist, crying, and screaming. He told me "he never built romantic relationships" which only succeeded in pissing me off more. What the heck were we doing then? Why was I wasting my time?
So finally I said I couldn't take it anymore. My heart couldn't take it anymore. Whatever had drawn me to Army Boy in the first place, the thing about him I was addicted to, was only making me angry. He was still trying to make everything okay between us, and frankly, I just don't think it can happen anymore.
His last text to me yesterday was "Don't make this decision with me so far away." I think him being far away was a good thing. It left me my own room to think and clear my head. I made this decision with a clear mind. I know this is what I have to do. No, I don't like it. No, I don't want to give him up, but I have to, for the sake of my sanity, if nothing else.
I woke up this morning (not only exhausted from getting probably a total of five hours of restless sleep) with a heavy heart. Army Boy was the only true hope I had ever had for my happy ending, but I think that was more my heart and mind making him into that than him actually being that guy. So yeah. I'm upset more because I'm so terrified of ending up alone.
Yeah, I'm independent, and I'm strong. But who really wants to go their whole life alone? Right now, maybe I do need to spend some time alone to myself. My friend told me yesterday in a brutal reality check/heart-to-heart about the situation that I couldn't live my life like the stories I write. And she's right. I can't dive into the most dramatic thing available thinking it's all going to end up with me riding off with my prince into the sunset.
It's the hardest advice to hear, but the best given. Life isn't a romance novel or a romantic comedy. It's life. And right now I have to learn the difference.
Well...I think that's enough self-discovery for one day, hmm?
Mucho love.
MA
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Your friend is very smart. Life ISN'T like the movies. There is no such thing as a "perfect" relationship. But you also have to remember that you're still young. And also unlike the movies, finding your "soulmate" in high school is probably not going to happen. Just live your life. Have fun with your friends. When it's time for romance, it will be there. (And it won't be in the form of a little boy playing games--which is EXACTLY what Army Boy is doing. He doesn't want a relationship, but he's stringing you along because he can. He knows he has this power over you. Don't let him have it.)
ReplyDeleteYou're a great person, MA. Someone worthwhile will see that one day. :-) You won't go your "whole life alone". But there's nothing wrong with living for you right now.